Coping Skills

Life is definitely hectic these days. I’m working full-time as a clinical supervisor at a juvenile detention center and part-time as the director of family ministries at a church (can you say polar opposites?). This of course is not including spending time with family and doing things at home (it feels like I’m always replacing something on my car). In a way I think it’s good to be busy, you know idle hands and all that. However, even in the midst of the busyness life can sometimes feel…empty.

I’ve recently been experiencing just such a phenomenon. This isn’t to say I’m not happy. I mean of course like anyone else there’s always some things I’d like to change about myself and my situation. I personally believe we should always be growing and changing, moving forward and challenging ourselves. No one wants to find themselves stagnant, but I’m talking about something else.

I wasn’t quite able to put my finger on what I was feeling. Was it boredom or loneliness? Was it emptiness or depression? I started thinking about it and trying to figure out what it was. Then one day while teaching Sunday school it hit me.

At the juvenile detention center where I work we always encourage our youth to use what we call “coping skills”. Basically these are things that help them deal with the negative feelings and frustrations they have from being locked up. Things like exercise, reading, praying, studying, talking, writing, etc. Basically ways to appropriately externalize what they’re feeling on the inside. We encourage them to do these things in order to prevent them from allowing inappropriate externalizations of their feelings (i.e. acting out in anger through hitting someone).

What I realized that day in Sunday school was that I wasn’t using my coping skills. As a Christian, many of my coping skills are spiritual in nature. Writing this blog, singing/writing worship songs, listening to sermons, listening to Christian music, praying, reading my Bible, etc. I think I’d even include spending time with my family and with my wife as spiritual as well, simply because of the importance of family in the Bible. So you don’t think I’m overly pious, I do have non-spiritual coping skills as well, such as playing video games, watching movies and playing sports.

As for my acting out behaviors? I’m not going to hit anyone or even yell and scream. I’d have to say my acting out behaviors are things that lead me away from where God wants me to be. They often create thoughts or actions which often create problems in my life and hurt the people I love the most in this world. What happens is when I’m not doing the things I need to do to bring me closer to God, then I’m more prone to do things that lead me away from God instead. See the dilemma?

Romans 7:15, 17-18 says: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. …As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

Each of us has this battle inside of us. The battle between doing what we know is right and between doing what we want. Between using our “coping skills” to appropriately externalize that war within or allowing that war to spill out unfiltered into what we do.

What are your coping skills? Christian or not, do you have appropriate coping skills that help keep you grounded and focused? Or do you often look back in regret at your behaviors, the things you’ve done and the choices you’ve made because you lack them?

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.” – “All At Once” by The Fray

Freedom

An interesting thing happened today. I was at work and went to put something away in another department. As I was walking by the dairy coolers I saw someone giving out samples of juice for a vendor. I turned around and realized that it was someone from my old church. I started to say hello but the woman’s eyes quickly diverted to the ceiling of the store. I said nothing to her and just headed back to my department to continue my work.

What I find funny about the whole situation is this is the second time I’ve seen her at my store. The first time was almost a year ago and she did exactly the same thing. I’ve also seen the maintenance person of the building my old church rents space in at my store twice. He and I used to talk extensively about issues related to churches and Christianity. Both of the times we’ve seen each other we’ve talked at length about how things are going and used the time to catch up.We’ve even talked about what happened and he didn’t judge me.

As a matter of fact I’ve also talked with quite a few of my coworkers about my situation and everything that happened when I left the church. None of them have ever judged me or treated me different because of what happened. Oddly enough, even though I try to downplay it, some of them have called me “Pastor Scott” or “Reverend”, I’ve even had a few call me “Father”, that one makes me chuckle.

I think that deep down I in some way feel I deserve to be treated the way I was treated today. I think I still need to work on forgiving myself. However, Ephesians 1:6-8 says “Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! (The Message).” As this passage says I’m free of penalties and punishments, even those inflicted by man, because of my faith in what was done for me on the cross.

I think there are others out there like me. People who somehow feel they deserve less than they do because of the mistakes they’ve made. They feel that they’re unforgivable or unlovable because of their past misdeeds. The may even get treated in a way they don’t deserve. As a result of this they’re not free. They’re trapped by their guilt and their shame.

I think I am like this sometimes. I live my life like I’m a prisoner of my own circumstances. I need to work on this. I need to realize that I’m free and that nothing anyone else says or does changes that fact. I think in some way this affects my relationship with God too. It prevents me from praying and going to Him as much as I should.

Instead I need to go to Him for everything. I need to pray and not give up hope that something better is coming. I need to not live my life like I’m a prisoner but like I’m free. I’m Free to be who God created me to be…just me.

Getting “Right” With God

I want to share an excerpt from today’s “My Utmost For His Highest” by Oswald Chambers:

I am not saved by believing— I simply realize I am saved by believing. And it is not repentance that saves me— repentance is only the sign that I realize what God has done through Christ Jesus. The danger here is putting the emphasis on the effect, instead of on the cause. Is it my obedience, consecration, and dedication that make me right with God? It is never that! I am made right with God because, prior to all of that, Christ died. When I turn to God and by belief accept what God reveals, the miraculous atonement by the Cross of Christ instantly places me into a right relationship with God. And as a result of the supernatural miracle of God’s grace I stand justified, not because I am sorry for my sin, or because I have repented, but because of what Jesus has done.

I chose to share this because I don’t know how many times I’ve heard Christians say that people need to “get right with God”. In their judgmental opinion the person needs to, in their words, “repent of their sins”. I’ve even had Christians, who were total strangers, say this to me when they’ve heard about my own situation.

The truth is I’ve never really liked the statement “get right with God”. When a person says it they are presupposing that they somehow know how a person’s relationship with God stands. They base their judgment on what they see in the person’s life that they don’t agree with or understand, usually assuming that they themselves are “right”. Yet just about every Christian could find some area of their lives where they need to “get right” themselves.

Personally I like what Chambers says when he writes: “I stand justified, not because I am sorry for my sin, or because I have repented, but because of what Jesus has done.” Many times I’ve seen people fake repentance or guilt in order to fit in with other Christians. Likewise, I know many Christians like myself who profess their faith in God who are, despite their own demons and issues, are trying hard to live according to God’s will. They go to church, read the Bible, pray, do devotions, attend Bible study, listen to Christian music, share their faith or any number of things that “good Christians do” trying to grow in their faith. However, I also know Christians who do these things same things simply because they are expected of them when in fact all they’re doing is going through the motions.

Romans 5:10 says “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” Regardless of what others say about me and my situation, no matter what their opinion or judgment of me is, I know that through my faith in Christ I am justified. It requires no penance on my part other than my profession of faith, and it costs me nothing. The cost for me was paid long ago.

Throwing Stones

Thinking a little more on Saturday’s blog brought to mind one of my favorite stories from the Bible which can be found in John 8:2-11:

²At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

⁹At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

There are a lot of things that I like about this story but to understand it a little better you need to understand a few things about it (these all play into why I like this story so much).

First, in order for them to have condemned her of adultery, someone had to actually catch her in the act. And, as you can imagine, to actually catch her in the act means someone had to have been spying on her. I’m not going to spell it out here, but the words “peeping Tom” do come to mind!

Secondly, in case you missed this day in biology, it takes two people to engage in adultery. So, where’s the man who was involved? Could it have been one of those who was so eager to stone her was actually the guilty party? Could it be that they set her up in order to trap her? We don’t really know the answer to this question but it is definitely something to ponder.

Finally could it be that all of this was simply done in order to test Jesus? It may seem like a big effort, but the Pharisees were out to get Jesus. He wasn’t good for business and they wanted them gone at any cost.

I think my favorite part though, is what Jesus does once they bring her to Him. He kneels down…and begins writing in the dirt. We never learn what He is writing. Did He write a Scripture passage? Did He draw a picture? Did He write the name of the guilty man which the Pharisees already knew? Maybe He just drew a line in the sand. We don’t really know what He wrote but there’s just something to me about the picture of Jesus kneeling down and using his finger to write in the dirt.

As He was doing this, however, the Pharisees became impatient and kept pressing Him to say something, so Jesus does. He says, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” The Pharisees are known for being a righteous and pious group so that shouldn’t stop them, right?

I can almost hear what happens next. Dead silence followed by stones slowly hitting the ground, one by one. Thud…thud…thud, until the crowd has dispersed and it’s only Jesus there with the woman.

Jesus stops writing in the dirt and stands. The woman, embarrassed, probably standing there in only a bed sheet and looking down in shame, wonders what Jesus will say to her. And His response? He simply asks her if anyone is still there to accuse her. When she says, “No.” His answer is simply “”Then neither do I condemn you…now go and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus didn’t condemn her. He didn’t call her names. He didn’t tell her how she was going to hell and needed to repent. He simply told her to go and change her ways.

But this is the hardest part. I can remember numerous times in church we’d have people come and you could tell God was working in them. They knew there were things in their life that they needed to change. Sometimes you’d see a dramatic difference in someone, but unfortunately this was the rarity. What often happened is that the person would try and try, but eventually would succumb to their environment. They’d go back to the lifestyle God was calling them to leave behind.

Despite working in churches I think a lot of times this was me. I’d let other things, besides God, influence me and my decisions. Some of these were friends who were outside the church, but many times these were people in the church (believe it or not there are even negative influences in the church). These days I’m not in a church, although this will soon change with my new work schedule. But even though I’m not in church, I’m finding myself being less influenced by my surroundings. I’m trying to rise above those influences that would pull me away from my relationship with God and from doing what I know is right.

In the end what we all have to realize is that making changes takes time. We can’t just change overnight and rid our lives of all of the negative influences. We have to look around us and slowly change the things we can control. Things like our own behaviors, our friends, the places we hang out, all of these things are ours to control. As we make changes we may mess up from time to time, but the key is to not give up entirely and to keep pushing forward. Then the next time we’ll see that we’re not as easily tripped up as we were before.

In the words of Chinese philosopher Lao Tsu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Guilt

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. It was just one of those days when you feel life will never work out and you’re a giant disappointment to everyone you care about. I made the mistake of posting on my status how I was wondering if God was as disappointed in me as everyone else seemed to be. One of my friends commented back something along the lines of God is disappointed in us when we choose to sin but that He still loves us anyway. While I don’t disagree with what they said, this comment is making a lot of assumptions and seeming to cast judgment on me.Granted I have made some mistakes, but I am also trying very hard to get my life together.

I guess what bothered me was that this seems to be the typical “Christian” response to people who are hurting. I’m not saying we should be all rainbows and unicorns, but sometimes when someone is feeling down that last thing they need to hear is more judgment. And no matter how much someone says they’re not casting judgment and saying it with love, the truth is in how the words are said (for instance another friend simply said that they love me and it really meant a lot).

In talking with my girlfriend about everything later last night she told me that I “have more guilt than a catholic” which made me laugh. It also got me thinking about the enormous amount of guilt that I carry with me. I’ve prayed and prayed for God’s forgiveness yet I still carry so much guilt with me. What I’ve been trying to figure out is if I’ve prayed for God’s forgiveness then why do I still feel so much guilt.

I think it’s partly due to the theologies that I have embedded in me from growing up in the Baptist church. It was a very guilt ridden theology with weekly altar calls sermons on how God punishes the sinful so if you’re having hardship in your life it could be because you’re not “right” with God. The problem with such a theology is that it usually only either guilts people into believing or causes them to simply give up trying and walk away.

In thinking about all of this I came back to Romans 3:23 which says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. Read that one more time with me “for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. What this says to me is that in God’s eyes we all start out the same. Each of us is born into this world as a sinful child. Now before you go asking how a cute, cuddly, adorable baby could be sinful, think about it this way for a moment. When we’re first born it’s all about us. Babies cry because their needs are being met. And as we grow up we will begin to see certain behaviors emerge. No one has to teach us to lie or to steal or to cheat. We are each selfish by nature, it’s all about us.

I know that I have made mistakes in my life. But what many Christians often try to do is categorize what they consider to be sin. What they do not realize is that sin is sin…period. And I think there are many things that Christians who would sit in judgment of others overlook. The sins of indulgence or gluttony or greed or gossip or hatred or whatever, all of these things are considered a sin as much as drunkenness or murder or adultery or you name it.

But the question I want to pose to those who would sit in judgment of others is this: “If you were to look closely at every area of your life, even those places no one sees, are YOU ‘right’ with God?” In your finances, your relationships, your job, your spiritual life? It all comes down to who are you when no one is looking? It’s easy to put on a good front at church or on Facebook, but when the lights go down and the camera’s off, are you still the same person?

Even though I’ve made my mistakes and I’m still working to get my life together, I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that my behavior is consistent all the time. I may have my up and down days, but inside and out I’m still the same. I’m no longer hiding who I am or pretending I’m someone that I’m not. And to be honest, it feels pretty good to be able to say this.

So say what you want. Sit in judgment of me if you like. But I know that God has forgiven me and I know that He’s listening to my prayers. I also know that He still has a plan for me and that one day it will come to light. In the meantime I’m left to continue to trust in Him and allow Him to work in me and in my life. And I truly believe that one day He will use all that I’ve gone through and learned through this time, to allow me to help others who are going through the same things I am. After all us Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven.