What Now?

As many of you know by now I’m a United Methodist pastor. I’m actually a Licensed Local Pastor which means my connection is a little different than ordained clergy (elders) but for the most part, it is the same responsibility. Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock you probably know what is going on in our denomination right now. A big meeting was held to try and determine our church’s stance on the issue of ordaining LGBTQ clergy and allowing current clergy to perform same-sex weddings. If you’re here to find out what my stance is, you’re going to be disappointed. For the most part, I’m trying to keep my overall opinion off of social media, but I’d be happy to indulge in a personal discussion.

The reason I write though is this has been weighing very heavily on me. It’s weighing heavily because I have friends who are hurt and affected by all of this. Not just the decision that came down, but all of the stuff that happened before, during and after this conference. This got ugly. I actually saw posts in both a United Methodist clergy group and a Worship Leaders’ group I’m involved in on Facebook, that were so very unbecoming of people who are supposed to be following Jesus. To make matters worse, these are people who are called to ministry as pastors and leaders. The hatred, vitriol, namecalling, finger pointing, foul language and other behaviors that I saw were uncalled for, unnecessary, unChristlike and unworthy of the calling we have.

The question we must ask ourselves is, “Where do we go from here?”. I’ve heard a lot of talk about people doing their own thing or bailing on the denomination altogether. I’ve heard others say they’ll stay and fight for what they believe in. The talk around my own church is to recognize that people are hurting and to understand that the bigger picture is nothing has really changed for us and that we must continue to be the Church. It’s actually pretty good advice.

The question that comes out of all of this is, when did anyone get an inside track on the truth? People who are biblical literalists still ignore some things. People on the other side do the same thing. Everyone agrees that there are things in the Bible that are culturally relevant to that specific time period and not today. The question comes, where do we draw that line? Over history, we’ve seen many churches and denominations change their stance on certain societal issues. We’ve also seen some stick to their beliefs and choose not to change. So who is right or wrong?

What we have to ask is does it matter? Does it matter who is right and who is wrong? Is someone right and someone wrong and can we really know? When Jesus was pressed about what the greatest of the 10 Commandments was (remember, it was a trap) he answered: ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” – Matthew 22:37-40

What we have to ask ourselves is this, is it important to be right? Should we be worried about being wrong? Or should we just do what Jesus said and love God and love our neighbors? I think this is where we are ALL messing up on this. We’re not treating the people we disagree with as Jesus would have us treat them. Jesus admonishes us in Matthew 5:43-48 to love our enemies because it’s easy to love people who are just like us. That means people who look like us, dress like us, talk like us, think like us, believe like us, love like us. See where I’m going with this?

In the midst of all of this, not just this issue in the United Methodist Church but even in American politics, we’ve forgotten to love our enemies. Can you imagine how all of this would be different if we allowed this to happen? If we actually, and I mean actually, engaged in dialogue, not to make sure our point is heard, but to hear the point of the other? To actually work, and I do mean work, towards peace and understanding?

I’m not sure where we’ll go from here. A lot of damage has been done. People have been hurt and continue to be hurt by post-conference rhetoric. I’m not sure what’s going to happen but I do know one thing: God is still God. God can and will work in the midst of this. My prayer today is that the church can continue its mission to make disciples, to love all people (even our enemies) the way Jesus did and does, and that we would listen to God’s Spirit, wherever it may lead…even if it’s across the aisle.

Worthless

I struggle with self worth. Apparently it’s a HUGE issue for me. I’m not sure why. I don’t know where it came from or what may have caused it, but I put a lot of weight into what other people think of me. I also require constant validation. So when things are not good with someone, when a person is upset with me, short with me or when I know I’ve let them down and disappointed them, it eats away at me. All I want to do is make it right, to fix it, so that all is right again in my world.

The unfortunate thing is that this creates a great deal of stress for me. It causes me to be a people pleaser. Sometimes it evens causes me to sacrifice more than I should, just to make or keep someone happy with me. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. I mean, it does to a certain extent, I should try to be a decent person, treat others fairly and such. The problem is, I’m human and so are they. We’re always going to disappoint people and guess what, people are always going to disappoint us. That’s how life works when human, fallible, messed up people are in relationship.

Lately I’ve become aware that this self worth issue has affected my relationship with God. That I’ve ascribed the same limitations on God that I have on my human relationships. Believing that I have to earn God’s approval or that if things in my life are not going according to plan that I’ve somehow let God down and he’s punishing me or absent. This is pretty crappy theology. God doesn’t change, God doesn’t ebb and flow like the tide. He doesn’t have up and down days like we do. He doesn’t get stressed out and take it out on the people around Him. God doesn’t punish us when we mess up.

I think a lot of this has to do with my conservative upbringing. I remember times when the pastor would talk about God punishing us or bad things happening for a reason. I grew up knowing a very jealous, angry and vengeful God. A God just waiting for you to screw up so He could let you have it. Just waiting with his giant leather belt in the sky to lay one across your backside.

What I’ve come to realize is that this doesn’t reconcile with the God who loves so much that He gives us second chance after second chance. A God who realized the original plans of salvation weren’t working so He rewrote the book and created a new way…yet again. A God who came to earth and walked among us in the form of Jesus, who spent time with the least of us, treating them with compassion and love. The author of Psalm 139:14 even goes so far as to say that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”.

God loves me…unconditionally. There is nothing in my present or my past that makes me unworthy of his love. God never changes, it’s just my self perception and ascribing human characteristics to God that creates this.

If you’re reading his please know that you are enough. Please know that you are loved just the way you are. But…because God loves us so much He doesn’t want to leave us the way He finds us. He wants so much more for us. More than we could even want for ourselves.

Discount Chocolate

Today is the day after Valentine’s Day and for many, it’s the real holiday. It’s the day that all of the unsold Valentine’s Day chocolate gets discounted. It’s the day that all of those heart-shaped candies make their way into mouths of chocolate lovers everywhere. This year I was quite the curmudgeon when it came to Valentine’s Day.  I just wasn’t feeling it, especially on Facebook. The sappy couples posts. The jokes about love. The inspiration quotes about true love. The jokes about singleness. The inspirational quotes about being happy with yourself. The cheesy Jesus posts (which I may or may not have participated in). I’m not quite sure why we get so excited about this holiday other than it seems like some enjoy it because it forces their significant other to put in some effort and show some sort of affection towards their relationship. See…curmudgeon.

As I was thinking about the day while sitting in my cave up in the mountains overlooking Whoville…oh wait, that’s Christmas. Anyway, as I was sitting in my office thinking about the holiday, I couldn’t help but struggle with how we fall for it. Do we really need flowers, chocolates, lingerie and cards to feel loved? And, do we really need to post our relationship on Facebook for everyone to know it?  Now maybe I’m this way because a lot has changed for me personally since last Valentine’s Day. Then again, maybe I just see things differently because of everything that has transpired.

Wednesday night I showed the Rob Bell Nooma video “Flame” to my small group. I know I’ve previously posted here about the different words in Greek for love. In the Nooma video, Bell talks about the three types of love found in the Hebrew and quotes a lot of those really uncomfortable passages from Song of Songs (please don’t ever use them for a pickup line).

Bell talks about raya love which means, friend or companion, ahava love, which refers to an emotion that leads to a commitment and dod love which refers to the sexual, physical element of love. Bell goes on to talk about how all three are supposed to be present in a relationship in order for the fire to burn brightly and to keep the flames from going out. He discusses how affairs are often based on dod love which burns brightly at first but flames out, the same could be said of the others as well.

The biggest thing about love is that it takes effort…a lot of effort. It also changes with time which many people struggle to deal with and which is why we see so many relationships crumbling. It’s the world we live in. Our society has become disposable. We upgrade as soon as we can. We replace broken things. So why wouldn’t this transfer to our relationships too?

Many of us have heard 1 Corinthians 13 recited at weddings. Verses 4-8a tells us this about love:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

Life is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Love is difficult. Sometimes you have to walk away. Sometimes you have to give up. But let us not give up so easily and let us trust God to tell us when it’s time to go. One of my favorite quotes comes from Pastor Andy Stanley who says: “When you don’t know what to say or do, ask what love requires of you.”

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.             – 1 Corinthians 13:13.

Relationships

The other night while sitting around a table at work I had a coworker tell me he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend and asked me if I had any advice. I find this quite funny and ironic given my relationship track record. However, after having him ask me this question I’ve been spending a few days trying to think about what relationship advice I would give to others.

Relationships are definitely difficult at times. Recently my Facebook profile has been overcome with people complaining about the state of their current relationships (some of them VERY inappropriately). I’ve also had the opportunity over the past few days to talk with friends and former coworkers who are dealing with issues as well. So, in light of this, here is my advice to my coworker:

Be Able to Answer Them When They Ask “Why Do You Love Me”?

I think many times we enter into relationships for all the wrong reasons and we’re quick to fall in love. And as time goes on we begin to feel that love fade and forget the reasons we entered into the relationship in the first place. The little annoyances that weren’t that big a deal or were unknown to us in the beginning can begin to eat away at us and soon replace the things that attracted us (sometimes they can be one in the same). By stopping to remember why you love the person, you’re going back to the beginning of the relationship and reminding yourself of how things were in the beginning. And by reminding them of the things you appreciate about them, you’re not only reinforcing their self-esteem, you’re encouraging them to do those things.

Always Say I Love You…Kisses, Hugs and Gestures Are Good Too

It’s easy to just assume the other person knows that you love them. But there’s still something to hearing the other person say it. And nothing is better than having the other person show it too. A kiss or an embrace. Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around them. Surprise notes, cards, flowers or gifts, anything you can do that shows the person you still care and that they’re worth the effort.

Never Let Anyone or Anything Come Between You

Of all the things I’ve seen in others relationships and experienced in my own this is one of the biggest causes I’ve seen of the breakups of relationships. A job, money, hobbies, addictions, or another person (family, friends, coworkers), anything that you let create a wedge in your relationship.

To add a little note here, I think this is how many affairs start. You meet someone and become close. Soon you find yourself confiding in that person about your relationship and before you know it that person is elevated above your “other” and begins to create a persona that is everything they are not (they may even begin putting them down in order to do so). The problem is it’s a facade that the two of you have created together. 

Money Isn’t Everything…But Talking About It Helps

I believe the reason so many relationships are struggling right now is because of the current state of the economy. The job market is terrible and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. The stress that this creates can really cause issues in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be honest about the situation and to discuss everything. Create a budget and a plan and stick to it. Make decisions together and both make any sacrifices necessary to achieve your goals. Remember, all of those couples you see celebrated 50+ years of marriage didn’t always have it easy either!

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth For A Reason

Communication in any relationship is key. Being able to talk about anything and everything. To share what’s going on inside with the other person without fear of judgment. Many relationships start like this but eventually lose it along the way. It’s key to find time to get away and really talk. And it’s important to allow the other person to say what’s on their mind without fear of judgment or overreaction. The more you do this, the more you’ll prevent anything from coming between you.

Practice Forgiveness and Actually Do It 

In any relationship there’s bound to come a time with one of you will need to forgive the other for something. It’s important that when you say you forgive someone that you actually do it. This means not saving it to use against them at a later time or using it for leverage. This means forgiving them and wiping the slate clean.

Always Keep Your Cool and Learn to Bite Your Tongue

In any relationship there is also going to be a time when you argue. The key to arguing is to argue without being vindictive. It’s okay to disagree but using the opportunity to get your little “digs” in is not fair and will be detrimental to the relationship. Even if there’s something you’ve been holding inside, an argument is not the time to let it out. It’s important to learn to bit your tongue and to remember that even though you disagree at that moment, the hope is that you’d soon reconcile and patch things up.

A Relationship Requires Two People to Be Successful

A relationship should never be one sided. It should be viewed as a partnership with each person playing their part. The moment one person’s wants or desires begin to reign supreme the relationship is in trouble. This also means that each person in the relationship should help carry the burdens of the relationship. From finances to taking care of the chores, it should be a team effort with both persons doing their share.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve overlooked or failed to mention here. The truth is there are a million things that go into making a relationship succeed. The unfortunate part is that sometimes it can only take one thing to make a relationship fail.

I once saw someone say on Facebook they wish they couldn’t fall in love so that then they couldn’t get hurt. This was my response:

“The key is not being able to not fall in love, it’s finding someone worth taking the chance on.” 

Living What You Believe

I came across an article in Outreach magazine written by one of my favorite pastor authors, Dan Kimball. Kimball wrote a book that changed how I viewed working in the church called “The Love Jesus but Not the Church”. In his book Kimball talked about coming to the realization that he spent all of his time with Christians and soon began trying to work outside of the church in order to meet people who were not inside the church.

The article Kimball wrote is called “Why I’m Thankful for the New Atheists” and discusses how the internet has allowed people access to atheist ideas that they may have never been exposed to. Kimball writes that he believes this is a good thing because it prepares Christians for the arguments they may face when talking to someone who doesn’t believe.

The point that Kimball ultimately makes is that:

Having said all that, I fully know that despite all our studying, preparing and counterarguing, our human arguments and reasoning will not persuade someone to embrace faith in Christ. It truly helps, but ultimately only God’s Spirit will convince someone of the truth of Scripture. And as much as we need to study and have knowledge, we need to remember that our lives must demonstrate the truth of Scripture. We cannot allow greater intellectual knowledge to lessen our Christian compassion and love for others.

Kimball’s point here really spoke to me because this has been something I’ve come to realize lately. In dealing with a deeply personal and hurtful issue with someone who believes differently than me, I’ve found myself at a sort of a crossroads. I could either choose to end the friendship and walk away or I could truly embrace what I believe and put my faith into action.

After a lot of soul searching and questioning, I have decided to do that latter. I have chosen to let the love, grace and forgiveness that God has lavished on me become who I am. It’s funny, but I’ve never been more at peace with who I am. I now find myself not dwelling on the hurt that I once felt, and I no longer look at this person in the same way either.

Before introducing the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18, Jesus has the following interaction with Peter in verses 21-22: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

As Christians, we cannot always convince someone else to believe what we believe. And continuing to argue with them or completely forgoing the relationship is not the answer. All we can do pray for the person and allow God to reveal Himself to them in time. In the meantime, we can also pray that God will allow us to use our lives to demonstrate God’s truth and what the Bible says.

I pray daily for this person and for others I know like them. And I do hope one day they’ll come to believe what I believe. But until that happens all I can do is continue to let God work through me, and to allow His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness to flow out of me and hope that they might catch a glimpse about what this Christianity thing is all about.

Punishment

It amazes me how many people still hold to the view that God is sitting up in heaven just waiting to punish us when we mess up. As if every mistake we make is revisited and held against us by God as our eternal judgment. And that that no matter how sorry or remorseful we are that God still holds it against us. The fact of the matter is, it’s not really God that punishes us, but the outcomes and ourselves.

Gary Ryan Blair writes that, “Every choice carries a consequence. For better or worse, each choice is the unavoidable consequence of its predecessor. There are not exceptions. If you can accept that a bad choice carries the seed of its own punishment, why not accept the fact that a good choice yields desirable fruit?”

It’s our choices and our mistakes that punish us, not God. I know a lot of people, myself included, that let their past torment them. They are so haunted by what they’ve done that they begin to view themselves in light of the choices they’ve made instead of seeing themselves for who they now are. They have punished and are punishing themselves more than God or anyone else ever could.

Psalm 103:12 says, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Until we truly start to understand this, we will never be able to let go. Once we’ve confessed our sins and sought God’s forgiveness, they’re gone. God will never use them against us. People will try to use our mistakes against us, and we will too. But if we truly believe we’re forgiven, then we need to understand that there’s nothing anyone else can say or do that will change this.

As for people, if someone truly loves us, they will not hold our past against us either. One of the  characteristics of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is that love “keeps no record of wrongs”. If someone loves us then they will forgive us too. They won’t hold our mistakes over our heads or use it for ammunition in an argument.

The hardest part in all of this is to forgive ourselves and let go. To begin viewing ourselves in the present instead of the past. To not let it haunt us to the point that we allow ourselves to be punished by others. To realize that we deserve more and to not settle for anything less.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

True Love

With February rapidly approaching the thoughts of many are turning towards Valentine’s Day so I thought I’d share a few Valentine’s Day statistics with you:

-85% of all Valentine cards are bought by women.

-73% of flowers are bought by men, and only 27% are by women.

-Chocolate and candy sales reach profits of $1,011 billion during Valentines.

-Approximately one in four Americans do not celebrate the holiday at all. In addition, 15% of American women (and even men) send flowers to themselves on Valentine’s Day.

Hopefully you’re not one of the 15% who sent flowers to yourself, but from what I can tell people have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. It’s a holiday built around love, which is probably one of the most wonderful, confusing, frustrating and rewarding feelings we experience as human beings. We use the word a love great deal in a variety of ways. Some of us use it quite frequently, while others use it hardly at all.

If we look to the Bible we’ll easily see why love is so confusing to us. In the Greek there are four words to describe what we often use one word for in the English language: agápe, éros, philia and storge.

Philia is a word from the modern Greek language that simply means “friendship”. It’s the word that we’d most commonly use when we tell our friends that we love them, although a couple of other forms could be used in certain circumstances. It’s probably the most freely used as we tell someone we appreciate we love them even though the feelings are strictly platonic.

Éros, on the other hand, is the word we’d most often hear young lovers tell one another. It means “passionate love, with sensual desire and longing”. It’s the kind of love that is built more on sexual desire than what we’d consider love. It’s also the kind of love that fades the fastest once the newness of a relationship is over or the desire fades.

Storge is from both the modern and ancient Greek and means “affection”. This would probably be the form of love we would use to describe how we feel about a relative or close friend. Most likely this type of love would conjure up sentimental feelings for the other person say like for even a teacher or coach who was influential in a person’s life.

The finale form of love is agápe. This type of love is what we would consider to be “true love”. It’s love without condition freely given without expecting anything in return.

Is there any wonder why we’re so confused about the concept of love?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 describes what agápe love is supposed to be about:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This kind of love is the kind of love that you see glamorized in fairy tales and movies. However, in reality it can often feel like it doesn’t truly exist. The truth of the matter is that while it is rare, it does indeed exist. The problem is we often confuse ourselves with the other types of love or we too quickly settle for less than this type of love.

If you”re not currently in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, how about finding ways to express your love and appreciation for the other people in your life? Try and find ways to let them know how much they mean to you and much you care for them. Just remember, it’s okay to tell God you love Him too!

Ignorance Isn’t Always Bliss

I read online today that the Westboro Baptist Church will be protesting a military funeral in my area. In case you aren’t familiar with the church:

The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) is an independent Baptist church known for its stance against homosexuality and its protest activities, which include picketing funerals and desecrating the American flag. The church is widely described as a hate group and is monitored as such by the Anti-Defamation League and Southern Poverty Law Center. It is headed by Fred Phelps and consists mostly of members of his large family; in 2007, it had 71 members.

After reading about their protest I felt the need to quickly post this response. I feel this need mostly because I am offended that they would even consider calling themselves Christian. The Westboro Baptist Church spreads a gospel of bigotry and hatred. They peddle an image of God that is anything like the one that we find in Scripture. They use fear to try and scare people into believing, but in the end they only come off as ignorant and pathetic.

The God that they claim to represent is not the same God that I serve. They act as if God is sitting just waiting to pronounce judgment on anyone who errs. This is not what we read in Scripture. Romans 5:7-9 tells us: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

It is because of people like Fred Phelps and his followers that the message of Christianity has become tarnished. It is also because of people like Fred Phelps and his followers that those who profess faith in Christ, those who are trying to follow Christ’s example, must be even more diligent in how they profess their own faith. As followers of Christ we must practice his example of loving others as He loved us and following the command Jesus gave us in Matthew 22:37-39: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

I’d be remiss as I close to not point out that it is often judgmental people like Fred Phelps who are the greatest hypocrites of all. They preach a gospel of hatred and point their fingers at others all because they are secretly hoping that no one will notice the planks in their own eyes.

Perfection

As I was thinking a little more about my last post I was reminded of my time in the Church of the Nazarene. One of the biggest doctrinal issues for Nazarenes is the idea of entire sanctification or Christian perfection. As I was approaching ordination this was one of the biggest doctrines I had to deal with; the idea that somewhere along the way I was filled with the Holy Spirit to the point that I was made perfect with Christ.

In most of the discussions I had about the issues I became to believe that I had to become, to use the imagery from my last post, free of cracks. The problem I wrestled with was that I could not free myself from my human side, that side that kept messing up. This made me feel inferior or in some way undeserving. I also struggled because I saw pastors and people who were supposedly sanctified acting in ways that were anything but perfect. They took advantage of the generosity of churches and turned people away from the church because of their lack of care and concern for people other than themselves.

In time I came to realize that too many people has distorted the idea of entire sanctification. I now believe that it’s not about a person being entirely perfect, or free of cracks, but rather is about us being able to love God above all else and loving others regardless of their cracks.

In Matthew 22:36-40 Jesus is “tested” by one of the leaders of the law when he asks: “‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'”

“Perfect love” requires us to put God first. This means spending time with Him, reading the Bible, going to church, praying and listening. It means valuing His will for us above our own. It means making His priorities our priorities.

It also means learning to love everyone, even ourselves. This is a difficult concept for us to grasp and deal with. Loving others means we have to begin to look out for their needs in addition to our own. It means putting a part of our selfishness aside and begin to give to those less fortunate than ourselves. It means loving those who our society often deem as unlovable.

Instead we often find it easier to just write others off and avoid all contact with them. This is why our world is full of bigotry and hatred. People stereotype others so that they don’t have to have anything to do with them. But often if we would take a moment to get to know someone, we’ll often find we have some common ground between us.

I know I can be self-centered at times. But I’ve found that when I put myself aside and God first, that is when my problems don’t seem so bad. When God’s priorities become mine, then I’m not so worried about what I don’t have and appreciate what I do have. I also find that I spend my day looking for ways for God to use me instead of wallowing in self-pity.

As for loving others, I know there are people in my life that I don’t like very much. Yet I’m called to love them as God loved me. This is easier said than done. But if God can love a broken person like me so much that He sent His Son to die for me, then the least I can do is make an effort to love others too.