Worthless

I struggle with self worth. Apparently it’s a HUGE issue for me. I’m not sure why. I don’t know where it came from or what may have caused it, but I put a lot of weight into what other people think of me. I also require constant validation. So when things are not good with someone, when a person is upset with me, short with me or when I know I’ve let them down and disappointed them, it eats away at me. All I want to do is make it right, to fix it, so that all is right again in my world.

The unfortunate thing is that this creates a great deal of stress for me. It causes me to be a people pleaser. Sometimes it evens causes me to sacrifice more than I should, just to make or keep someone happy with me. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. I mean, it does to a certain extent, I should try to be a decent person, treat others fairly and such. The problem is, I’m human and so are they. We’re always going to disappoint people and guess what, people are always going to disappoint us. That’s how life works when human, fallible, messed up people are in relationship.

Lately I’ve become aware that this self worth issue has affected my relationship with God. That I’ve ascribed the same limitations on God that I have on my human relationships. Believing that I have to earn God’s approval or that if things in my life are not going according to plan that I’ve somehow let God down and he’s punishing me or absent. This is pretty crappy theology. God doesn’t change, God doesn’t ebb and flow like the tide. He doesn’t have up and down days like we do. He doesn’t get stressed out and take it out on the people around Him. God doesn’t punish us when we mess up.

I think a lot of this has to do with my conservative upbringing. I remember times when the pastor would talk about God punishing us or bad things happening for a reason. I grew up knowing a very jealous, angry and vengeful God. A God just waiting for you to screw up so He could let you have it. Just waiting with his giant leather belt in the sky to lay one across your backside.

What I’ve come to realize is that this doesn’t reconcile with the God who loves so much that He gives us second chance after second chance. A God who realized the original plans of salvation weren’t working so He rewrote the book and created a new way…yet again. A God who came to earth and walked among us in the form of Jesus, who spent time with the least of us, treating them with compassion and love. The author of Psalm 139:14 even goes so far as to say that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”.

God loves me…unconditionally. There is nothing in my present or my past that makes me unworthy of his love. God never changes, it’s just my self perception and ascribing human characteristics to God that creates this.

If you’re reading his please know that you are enough. Please know that you are loved just the way you are. But…because God loves us so much He doesn’t want to leave us the way He finds us. He wants so much more for us. More than we could even want for ourselves.

Discount Chocolate

Today is the day after Valentine’s Day and for many, it’s the real holiday. It’s the day that all of the unsold Valentine’s Day chocolate gets discounted. It’s the day that all of those heart-shaped candies make their way into mouths of chocolate lovers everywhere. This year I was quite the curmudgeon when it came to Valentine’s Day.  I just wasn’t feeling it, especially on Facebook. The sappy couples posts. The jokes about love. The inspiration quotes about true love. The jokes about singleness. The inspirational quotes about being happy with yourself. The cheesy Jesus posts (which I may or may not have participated in). I’m not quite sure why we get so excited about this holiday other than it seems like some enjoy it because it forces their significant other to put in some effort and show some sort of affection towards their relationship. See…curmudgeon.

As I was thinking about the day while sitting in my cave up in the mountains overlooking Whoville…oh wait, that’s Christmas. Anyway, as I was sitting in my office thinking about the holiday, I couldn’t help but struggle with how we fall for it. Do we really need flowers, chocolates, lingerie and cards to feel loved? And, do we really need to post our relationship on Facebook for everyone to know it?  Now maybe I’m this way because a lot has changed for me personally since last Valentine’s Day. Then again, maybe I just see things differently because of everything that has transpired.

Wednesday night I showed the Rob Bell Nooma video “Flame” to my small group. I know I’ve previously posted here about the different words in Greek for love. In the Nooma video, Bell talks about the three types of love found in the Hebrew and quotes a lot of those really uncomfortable passages from Song of Songs (please don’t ever use them for a pickup line).

Bell talks about raya love which means, friend or companion, ahava love, which refers to an emotion that leads to a commitment and dod love which refers to the sexual, physical element of love. Bell goes on to talk about how all three are supposed to be present in a relationship in order for the fire to burn brightly and to keep the flames from going out. He discusses how affairs are often based on dod love which burns brightly at first but flames out, the same could be said of the others as well.

The biggest thing about love is that it takes effort…a lot of effort. It also changes with time which many people struggle to deal with and which is why we see so many relationships crumbling. It’s the world we live in. Our society has become disposable. We upgrade as soon as we can. We replace broken things. So why wouldn’t this transfer to our relationships too?

Many of us have heard 1 Corinthians 13 recited at weddings. Verses 4-8a tells us this about love:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

Life is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Love is difficult. Sometimes you have to walk away. Sometimes you have to give up. But let us not give up so easily and let us trust God to tell us when it’s time to go. One of my favorite quotes comes from Pastor Andy Stanley who says: “When you don’t know what to say or do, ask what love requires of you.”

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.             – 1 Corinthians 13:13.

Cracked Pots

I created this site as an outlet years ago when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. I’d made some poor choices and found myself broken. I’m feeling broken again. This time things are different. While I’m sure I’ve made poor choices, this time a lot of things are out of my control. They weren’t all at first, but unfortunately they are now.

Since last time though, I’ve come to realize that we’re all broken. We all have scars, cracks, inadequacies. In ourselves, our relationships. We are a broken people. Problem is we live in a society that looks down on broken things. If something is broken we replace it. A job. A relationship. Any number of things. We give up. Start over. We like shiny and new.

There’s a form of Japenese pottery called “kintsugi” that actually values the brokenness of an object. This form of pottery takes the broken or cracked object and fills it with gold. The idea is that the history of the brokenness, how it happened, makes it more interesting, along with the unique brokenness each object possesses.

Too often we look at our brokenness with contempt and shame instead of looking at it as something that sets us apart from everyone else. We can let it define who we are but we don’t have to let it decide who we will be.

2 Corinthians 4:7 says “⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” The thing about brokenness is that much like the Japanese pottery, we don’t have to be ashamed of our brokenness. If we allow God to live in our hearts, then his light will shine through those broken places.

We get ourselves in trouble when we see these cracks and have a need to try and fill them with things we shouldn’t. We fill them with other people. Addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, sex). Possessions, positions, and power. We’re ashamed of what we see or what we think other people might see so we compensate.

We are all broken and we’ll all stay that way. Some of us have been broken by our own choices. Others have been broken by the choices of others. Either way, we’re damaged…and that’s okay. When God works through broken people it’s not the people that are glorified but God. God likes using broken, damaged and unworthy people. I’m thankful for otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am.

If you’re feeling broken please know you’re not alone and know there’s nothing wrong with you. Brokenness happens. However, it’s not okay to stay that way.

Shaky Ground

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people posting on Facebook of how things in their lives are slowly falling apart. They’re talking about how things aren’t going their way, their relationships are a mess, they don’t have any friends, etc. Basically it’s a woe is me sort of post meant to evoke a response of sympathy and support from others. Now if this has ever been you, before you get offended realize that I’ve been there, done that. 

What I often find, and as was the case when I would do this, things were falling apart for a reason. Too often we find certain things in our lives falling apart because they weren’t built the right way. It could be a relationship, our finances, our friendships, any number of things slowly go crumbling away because they weren’t built the right way and they lack a solid foundation. 

It’s like the parable Jesus tells of the wise and foolish builder in Matthew 7:24-27 (hopefully you remember the song from Sunday school): 

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

When we build something with our own hands and our own, the foundation is always going to be shaky. 

If we truly want something to last we have to make sure God’s Word is the foundation. If we try to build something the way the world says it should built it is sure to crumble. Nothing in our world lasts. We live in a disposable world where possessions and even people are replaceable. We don’t build things for longevity. We build things that are quick and easy to erect. The problem is unless we’re patient and allow God to help us build things properly and put in the necessary time, energy and work into them, they’ll never last. 

I think there’s another key here too. Sometimes things are built on the right foundations. However, just like anything if we let them go without the proper care they will slowly start to deteriorate. When we decide to let things go on their own or begin to take God out of the equation, that’s when trouble sets in. The foundation starts to crack and slowly give way. 

The good news is that it’s never too late to start over. Sometimes it can be a painful process having to begin again. Sometimes it involves destroying everything we’ve built and rebuilding from the ground up. Sometimes it only involves letting God help repair the cracks. 

If there are things in your life that seem to be slowly, or not so slowly, falling apart, ask yourself: what have a built this on? 

Relationships

The other night while sitting around a table at work I had a coworker tell me he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend and asked me if I had any advice. I find this quite funny and ironic given my relationship track record. However, after having him ask me this question I’ve been spending a few days trying to think about what relationship advice I would give to others.

Relationships are definitely difficult at times. Recently my Facebook profile has been overcome with people complaining about the state of their current relationships (some of them VERY inappropriately). I’ve also had the opportunity over the past few days to talk with friends and former coworkers who are dealing with issues as well. So, in light of this, here is my advice to my coworker:

Be Able to Answer Them When They Ask “Why Do You Love Me”?

I think many times we enter into relationships for all the wrong reasons and we’re quick to fall in love. And as time goes on we begin to feel that love fade and forget the reasons we entered into the relationship in the first place. The little annoyances that weren’t that big a deal or were unknown to us in the beginning can begin to eat away at us and soon replace the things that attracted us (sometimes they can be one in the same). By stopping to remember why you love the person, you’re going back to the beginning of the relationship and reminding yourself of how things were in the beginning. And by reminding them of the things you appreciate about them, you’re not only reinforcing their self-esteem, you’re encouraging them to do those things.

Always Say I Love You…Kisses, Hugs and Gestures Are Good Too

It’s easy to just assume the other person knows that you love them. But there’s still something to hearing the other person say it. And nothing is better than having the other person show it too. A kiss or an embrace. Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around them. Surprise notes, cards, flowers or gifts, anything you can do that shows the person you still care and that they’re worth the effort.

Never Let Anyone or Anything Come Between You

Of all the things I’ve seen in others relationships and experienced in my own this is one of the biggest causes I’ve seen of the breakups of relationships. A job, money, hobbies, addictions, or another person (family, friends, coworkers), anything that you let create a wedge in your relationship.

To add a little note here, I think this is how many affairs start. You meet someone and become close. Soon you find yourself confiding in that person about your relationship and before you know it that person is elevated above your “other” and begins to create a persona that is everything they are not (they may even begin putting them down in order to do so). The problem is it’s a facade that the two of you have created together. 

Money Isn’t Everything…But Talking About It Helps

I believe the reason so many relationships are struggling right now is because of the current state of the economy. The job market is terrible and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. The stress that this creates can really cause issues in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be honest about the situation and to discuss everything. Create a budget and a plan and stick to it. Make decisions together and both make any sacrifices necessary to achieve your goals. Remember, all of those couples you see celebrated 50+ years of marriage didn’t always have it easy either!

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth For A Reason

Communication in any relationship is key. Being able to talk about anything and everything. To share what’s going on inside with the other person without fear of judgment. Many relationships start like this but eventually lose it along the way. It’s key to find time to get away and really talk. And it’s important to allow the other person to say what’s on their mind without fear of judgment or overreaction. The more you do this, the more you’ll prevent anything from coming between you.

Practice Forgiveness and Actually Do It 

In any relationship there’s bound to come a time with one of you will need to forgive the other for something. It’s important that when you say you forgive someone that you actually do it. This means not saving it to use against them at a later time or using it for leverage. This means forgiving them and wiping the slate clean.

Always Keep Your Cool and Learn to Bite Your Tongue

In any relationship there is also going to be a time when you argue. The key to arguing is to argue without being vindictive. It’s okay to disagree but using the opportunity to get your little “digs” in is not fair and will be detrimental to the relationship. Even if there’s something you’ve been holding inside, an argument is not the time to let it out. It’s important to learn to bit your tongue and to remember that even though you disagree at that moment, the hope is that you’d soon reconcile and patch things up.

A Relationship Requires Two People to Be Successful

A relationship should never be one sided. It should be viewed as a partnership with each person playing their part. The moment one person’s wants or desires begin to reign supreme the relationship is in trouble. This also means that each person in the relationship should help carry the burdens of the relationship. From finances to taking care of the chores, it should be a team effort with both persons doing their share.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve overlooked or failed to mention here. The truth is there are a million things that go into making a relationship succeed. The unfortunate part is that sometimes it can only take one thing to make a relationship fail.

I once saw someone say on Facebook they wish they couldn’t fall in love so that then they couldn’t get hurt. This was my response:

“The key is not being able to not fall in love, it’s finding someone worth taking the chance on.” 

Living What You Believe

I came across an article in Outreach magazine written by one of my favorite pastor authors, Dan Kimball. Kimball wrote a book that changed how I viewed working in the church called “The Love Jesus but Not the Church”. In his book Kimball talked about coming to the realization that he spent all of his time with Christians and soon began trying to work outside of the church in order to meet people who were not inside the church.

The article Kimball wrote is called “Why I’m Thankful for the New Atheists” and discusses how the internet has allowed people access to atheist ideas that they may have never been exposed to. Kimball writes that he believes this is a good thing because it prepares Christians for the arguments they may face when talking to someone who doesn’t believe.

The point that Kimball ultimately makes is that:

Having said all that, I fully know that despite all our studying, preparing and counterarguing, our human arguments and reasoning will not persuade someone to embrace faith in Christ. It truly helps, but ultimately only God’s Spirit will convince someone of the truth of Scripture. And as much as we need to study and have knowledge, we need to remember that our lives must demonstrate the truth of Scripture. We cannot allow greater intellectual knowledge to lessen our Christian compassion and love for others.

Kimball’s point here really spoke to me because this has been something I’ve come to realize lately. In dealing with a deeply personal and hurtful issue with someone who believes differently than me, I’ve found myself at a sort of a crossroads. I could either choose to end the friendship and walk away or I could truly embrace what I believe and put my faith into action.

After a lot of soul searching and questioning, I have decided to do that latter. I have chosen to let the love, grace and forgiveness that God has lavished on me become who I am. It’s funny, but I’ve never been more at peace with who I am. I now find myself not dwelling on the hurt that I once felt, and I no longer look at this person in the same way either.

Before introducing the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18, Jesus has the following interaction with Peter in verses 21-22: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

As Christians, we cannot always convince someone else to believe what we believe. And continuing to argue with them or completely forgoing the relationship is not the answer. All we can do pray for the person and allow God to reveal Himself to them in time. In the meantime, we can also pray that God will allow us to use our lives to demonstrate God’s truth and what the Bible says.

I pray daily for this person and for others I know like them. And I do hope one day they’ll come to believe what I believe. But until that happens all I can do is continue to let God work through me, and to allow His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness to flow out of me and hope that they might catch a glimpse about what this Christianity thing is all about.

Jesus and Social Networking

I am addicted to technology and always have been. I get panicked if my cell phone battery starts to die and I’m unable to charge it. And if I leave the house without my cell phone, I might as well have been dropped in the middle of a deserted island with Gilligan.

In thinking about this I began asking myself how would Jesus handle social media? Would he provide random status updates on Twitter? Would he log in his whereabouts on Foursquare? Would he tag himself on Facebook in his disciples’ pictures of him walking on water?

The truth be told I think Jesus would be one of those people we make fun of for not using any technology. No Twitter. No Foursquare. No Facebook. He probably wouldn’t even have an email address or cell phone.

The reason is Jesus was about relationships. He was about spending time with people. He liked to hear their stories and tell them his. He liked to break bread and sit around the table. He liked to touch and be touched.

I think there’s another reason Jesus would abstain from social media. Aside from the fact that many of the people he chose to reach out to probably wouldn’t have it. Jesus reached out to the poor and the sick, people who most likely wouldn’t be able to afford technology to begin with. But he also showed them that they mattered to him by spending time with them.

In Matthew 9:12-13 Jesus says “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick…For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” These were people who were written off by society as not being worthy of their time. But Jesus took the time to reach them, to spend time with them. He showed them they mattered simply by being there with them.

Think about this, what message are we sending the people around us by our use of technology? Are we interrupting a conversation to answer our cell phone? Are we listening to our iPod while being waited on at the store? Are we constantly texting while having dinner with our friends? Are we playing video games when we’re home with our family?

I know that I’m guilty of all of these. I know I’ve missed chances to spend meaningful time with the people I care about because I was too immersed in my laptop or cell phone. My only hope is that I can learn from this mistake and begin to lessen my reliance on it. It’s definitely a challenge for me, but one that will be worth it in the end.

Hello, my name is Scott and I’m a technology addict.