Fallen Idols

Recently someone who seemingly never quits did. Lance Armstrong finally gave up his fight against the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) and their claims he used performance enhancing drugs during his 7 Tour de France wins. Armstrong wrote a press release finally stating that “Enough is enough.” and quit. The man who overcame testicular cancer and who has been the encouragement of thousands of people diagnosed with this terrible disease threw in the towel and gave up. (By the way Rick Reilly from ESPN wrote a great article about all of this: “Lance Still Worth Revering“.) I’m not going to debate Lance Armstrong’s guilt or innocence, nor am I going to remind you of all his Livestrong foundation has done for cancer research.

Instead I would like to talk about failure. Just as much as our society likes to see people succeed, we also like to see them fail. We love it when the heroes we’ve created, crash and burn. If you need to be reminded of this just check out any tabloid at the Walmart checkout. So what is our fascination with failure?

I think mostly it’s because we are jealous when people succeed. So when they fail, it makes us feel better about ourselves. The interesting thing in all of this is that most of the time we’re the ones who elevated the person in the first place. A good case in point is the most recent incident with star Kristin Stewart from the Twilight movies. She confessed to cheating on boyfriend Robert Pattinson who plays her husband in the movies. It shattered the illusion of real life imitating art and their storybook romance.

The truth of the matter is that many times the failures of our “heroes” are no different than those of the rest of us. Their falls just seem to be magnified by how high on a pedestal we have chosen to elevate them. But in reality they are human just like we are. They have the same hopes and dreams, struggles and temptations as the rest of us. They’re just in the public spotlight with cameras following their every move.

In Romans 3:23 Paul reminds us that: “…all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. None of us are better than anyone else and we are all in need of God’s grace which is why Paul continues in verse 24 “and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

The good news for us is to remember that you are just as important to God as anyone else. Your worth is no more or no less than that of any other human being that ever lived. No matter what the world may tell you, you’re not worthless. There is no shame in failure, only in not trying. As Winston Churchill once said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

Relationships

The other night while sitting around a table at work I had a coworker tell me he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend and asked me if I had any advice. I find this quite funny and ironic given my relationship track record. However, after having him ask me this question I’ve been spending a few days trying to think about what relationship advice I would give to others.

Relationships are definitely difficult at times. Recently my Facebook profile has been overcome with people complaining about the state of their current relationships (some of them VERY inappropriately). I’ve also had the opportunity over the past few days to talk with friends and former coworkers who are dealing with issues as well. So, in light of this, here is my advice to my coworker:

Be Able to Answer Them When They Ask “Why Do You Love Me”?

I think many times we enter into relationships for all the wrong reasons and we’re quick to fall in love. And as time goes on we begin to feel that love fade and forget the reasons we entered into the relationship in the first place. The little annoyances that weren’t that big a deal or were unknown to us in the beginning can begin to eat away at us and soon replace the things that attracted us (sometimes they can be one in the same). By stopping to remember why you love the person, you’re going back to the beginning of the relationship and reminding yourself of how things were in the beginning. And by reminding them of the things you appreciate about them, you’re not only reinforcing their self-esteem, you’re encouraging them to do those things.

Always Say I Love You…Kisses, Hugs and Gestures Are Good Too

It’s easy to just assume the other person knows that you love them. But there’s still something to hearing the other person say it. And nothing is better than having the other person show it too. A kiss or an embrace. Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around them. Surprise notes, cards, flowers or gifts, anything you can do that shows the person you still care and that they’re worth the effort.

Never Let Anyone or Anything Come Between You

Of all the things I’ve seen in others relationships and experienced in my own this is one of the biggest causes I’ve seen of the breakups of relationships. A job, money, hobbies, addictions, or another person (family, friends, coworkers), anything that you let create a wedge in your relationship.

To add a little note here, I think this is how many affairs start. You meet someone and become close. Soon you find yourself confiding in that person about your relationship and before you know it that person is elevated above your “other” and begins to create a persona that is everything they are not (they may even begin putting them down in order to do so). The problem is it’s a facade that the two of you have created together. 

Money Isn’t Everything…But Talking About It Helps

I believe the reason so many relationships are struggling right now is because of the current state of the economy. The job market is terrible and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. The stress that this creates can really cause issues in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be honest about the situation and to discuss everything. Create a budget and a plan and stick to it. Make decisions together and both make any sacrifices necessary to achieve your goals. Remember, all of those couples you see celebrated 50+ years of marriage didn’t always have it easy either!

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth For A Reason

Communication in any relationship is key. Being able to talk about anything and everything. To share what’s going on inside with the other person without fear of judgment. Many relationships start like this but eventually lose it along the way. It’s key to find time to get away and really talk. And it’s important to allow the other person to say what’s on their mind without fear of judgment or overreaction. The more you do this, the more you’ll prevent anything from coming between you.

Practice Forgiveness and Actually Do It 

In any relationship there’s bound to come a time with one of you will need to forgive the other for something. It’s important that when you say you forgive someone that you actually do it. This means not saving it to use against them at a later time or using it for leverage. This means forgiving them and wiping the slate clean.

Always Keep Your Cool and Learn to Bite Your Tongue

In any relationship there is also going to be a time when you argue. The key to arguing is to argue without being vindictive. It’s okay to disagree but using the opportunity to get your little “digs” in is not fair and will be detrimental to the relationship. Even if there’s something you’ve been holding inside, an argument is not the time to let it out. It’s important to learn to bit your tongue and to remember that even though you disagree at that moment, the hope is that you’d soon reconcile and patch things up.

A Relationship Requires Two People to Be Successful

A relationship should never be one sided. It should be viewed as a partnership with each person playing their part. The moment one person’s wants or desires begin to reign supreme the relationship is in trouble. This also means that each person in the relationship should help carry the burdens of the relationship. From finances to taking care of the chores, it should be a team effort with both persons doing their share.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve overlooked or failed to mention here. The truth is there are a million things that go into making a relationship succeed. The unfortunate part is that sometimes it can only take one thing to make a relationship fail.

I once saw someone say on Facebook they wish they couldn’t fall in love so that then they couldn’t get hurt. This was my response:

“The key is not being able to not fall in love, it’s finding someone worth taking the chance on.” 

Living What You Believe

I came across an article in Outreach magazine written by one of my favorite pastor authors, Dan Kimball. Kimball wrote a book that changed how I viewed working in the church called “The Love Jesus but Not the Church”. In his book Kimball talked about coming to the realization that he spent all of his time with Christians and soon began trying to work outside of the church in order to meet people who were not inside the church.

The article Kimball wrote is called “Why I’m Thankful for the New Atheists” and discusses how the internet has allowed people access to atheist ideas that they may have never been exposed to. Kimball writes that he believes this is a good thing because it prepares Christians for the arguments they may face when talking to someone who doesn’t believe.

The point that Kimball ultimately makes is that:

Having said all that, I fully know that despite all our studying, preparing and counterarguing, our human arguments and reasoning will not persuade someone to embrace faith in Christ. It truly helps, but ultimately only God’s Spirit will convince someone of the truth of Scripture. And as much as we need to study and have knowledge, we need to remember that our lives must demonstrate the truth of Scripture. We cannot allow greater intellectual knowledge to lessen our Christian compassion and love for others.

Kimball’s point here really spoke to me because this has been something I’ve come to realize lately. In dealing with a deeply personal and hurtful issue with someone who believes differently than me, I’ve found myself at a sort of a crossroads. I could either choose to end the friendship and walk away or I could truly embrace what I believe and put my faith into action.

After a lot of soul searching and questioning, I have decided to do that latter. I have chosen to let the love, grace and forgiveness that God has lavished on me become who I am. It’s funny, but I’ve never been more at peace with who I am. I now find myself not dwelling on the hurt that I once felt, and I no longer look at this person in the same way either.

Before introducing the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18, Jesus has the following interaction with Peter in verses 21-22: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

As Christians, we cannot always convince someone else to believe what we believe. And continuing to argue with them or completely forgoing the relationship is not the answer. All we can do pray for the person and allow God to reveal Himself to them in time. In the meantime, we can also pray that God will allow us to use our lives to demonstrate God’s truth and what the Bible says.

I pray daily for this person and for others I know like them. And I do hope one day they’ll come to believe what I believe. But until that happens all I can do is continue to let God work through me, and to allow His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness to flow out of me and hope that they might catch a glimpse about what this Christianity thing is all about.

Punishment

It amazes me how many people still hold to the view that God is sitting up in heaven just waiting to punish us when we mess up. As if every mistake we make is revisited and held against us by God as our eternal judgment. And that that no matter how sorry or remorseful we are that God still holds it against us. The fact of the matter is, it’s not really God that punishes us, but the outcomes and ourselves.

Gary Ryan Blair writes that, “Every choice carries a consequence. For better or worse, each choice is the unavoidable consequence of its predecessor. There are not exceptions. If you can accept that a bad choice carries the seed of its own punishment, why not accept the fact that a good choice yields desirable fruit?”

It’s our choices and our mistakes that punish us, not God. I know a lot of people, myself included, that let their past torment them. They are so haunted by what they’ve done that they begin to view themselves in light of the choices they’ve made instead of seeing themselves for who they now are. They have punished and are punishing themselves more than God or anyone else ever could.

Psalm 103:12 says, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Until we truly start to understand this, we will never be able to let go. Once we’ve confessed our sins and sought God’s forgiveness, they’re gone. God will never use them against us. People will try to use our mistakes against us, and we will too. But if we truly believe we’re forgiven, then we need to understand that there’s nothing anyone else can say or do that will change this.

As for people, if someone truly loves us, they will not hold our past against us either. One of the  characteristics of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is that love “keeps no record of wrongs”. If someone loves us then they will forgive us too. They won’t hold our mistakes over our heads or use it for ammunition in an argument.

The hardest part in all of this is to forgive ourselves and let go. To begin viewing ourselves in the present instead of the past. To not let it haunt us to the point that we allow ourselves to be punished by others. To realize that we deserve more and to not settle for anything less.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

Guilt

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. It was just one of those days when you feel life will never work out and you’re a giant disappointment to everyone you care about. I made the mistake of posting on my status how I was wondering if God was as disappointed in me as everyone else seemed to be. One of my friends commented back something along the lines of God is disappointed in us when we choose to sin but that He still loves us anyway. While I don’t disagree with what they said, this comment is making a lot of assumptions and seeming to cast judgment on me.Granted I have made some mistakes, but I am also trying very hard to get my life together.

I guess what bothered me was that this seems to be the typical “Christian” response to people who are hurting. I’m not saying we should be all rainbows and unicorns, but sometimes when someone is feeling down that last thing they need to hear is more judgment. And no matter how much someone says they’re not casting judgment and saying it with love, the truth is in how the words are said (for instance another friend simply said that they love me and it really meant a lot).

In talking with my girlfriend about everything later last night she told me that I “have more guilt than a catholic” which made me laugh. It also got me thinking about the enormous amount of guilt that I carry with me. I’ve prayed and prayed for God’s forgiveness yet I still carry so much guilt with me. What I’ve been trying to figure out is if I’ve prayed for God’s forgiveness then why do I still feel so much guilt.

I think it’s partly due to the theologies that I have embedded in me from growing up in the Baptist church. It was a very guilt ridden theology with weekly altar calls sermons on how God punishes the sinful so if you’re having hardship in your life it could be because you’re not “right” with God. The problem with such a theology is that it usually only either guilts people into believing or causes them to simply give up trying and walk away.

In thinking about all of this I came back to Romans 3:23 which says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. Read that one more time with me “for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. What this says to me is that in God’s eyes we all start out the same. Each of us is born into this world as a sinful child. Now before you go asking how a cute, cuddly, adorable baby could be sinful, think about it this way for a moment. When we’re first born it’s all about us. Babies cry because their needs are being met. And as we grow up we will begin to see certain behaviors emerge. No one has to teach us to lie or to steal or to cheat. We are each selfish by nature, it’s all about us.

I know that I have made mistakes in my life. But what many Christians often try to do is categorize what they consider to be sin. What they do not realize is that sin is sin…period. And I think there are many things that Christians who would sit in judgment of others overlook. The sins of indulgence or gluttony or greed or gossip or hatred or whatever, all of these things are considered a sin as much as drunkenness or murder or adultery or you name it.

But the question I want to pose to those who would sit in judgment of others is this: “If you were to look closely at every area of your life, even those places no one sees, are YOU ‘right’ with God?” In your finances, your relationships, your job, your spiritual life? It all comes down to who are you when no one is looking? It’s easy to put on a good front at church or on Facebook, but when the lights go down and the camera’s off, are you still the same person?

Even though I’ve made my mistakes and I’m still working to get my life together, I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that my behavior is consistent all the time. I may have my up and down days, but inside and out I’m still the same. I’m no longer hiding who I am or pretending I’m someone that I’m not. And to be honest, it feels pretty good to be able to say this.

So say what you want. Sit in judgment of me if you like. But I know that God has forgiven me and I know that He’s listening to my prayers. I also know that He still has a plan for me and that one day it will come to light. In the meantime I’m left to continue to trust in Him and allow Him to work in me and in my life. And I truly believe that one day He will use all that I’ve gone through and learned through this time, to allow me to help others who are going through the same things I am. After all us Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven.