Relationships

The other night while sitting around a table at work I had a coworker tell me he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend and asked me if I had any advice. I find this quite funny and ironic given my relationship track record. However, after having him ask me this question I’ve been spending a few days trying to think about what relationship advice I would give to others.

Relationships are definitely difficult at times. Recently my Facebook profile has been overcome with people complaining about the state of their current relationships (some of them VERY inappropriately). I’ve also had the opportunity over the past few days to talk with friends and former coworkers who are dealing with issues as well. So, in light of this, here is my advice to my coworker:

Be Able to Answer Them When They Ask “Why Do You Love Me”?

I think many times we enter into relationships for all the wrong reasons and we’re quick to fall in love. And as time goes on we begin to feel that love fade and forget the reasons we entered into the relationship in the first place. The little annoyances that weren’t that big a deal or were unknown to us in the beginning can begin to eat away at us and soon replace the things that attracted us (sometimes they can be one in the same). By stopping to remember why you love the person, you’re going back to the beginning of the relationship and reminding yourself of how things were in the beginning. And by reminding them of the things you appreciate about them, you’re not only reinforcing their self-esteem, you’re encouraging them to do those things.

Always Say I Love You…Kisses, Hugs and Gestures Are Good Too

It’s easy to just assume the other person knows that you love them. But there’s still something to hearing the other person say it. And nothing is better than having the other person show it too. A kiss or an embrace. Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around them. Surprise notes, cards, flowers or gifts, anything you can do that shows the person you still care and that they’re worth the effort.

Never Let Anyone or Anything Come Between You

Of all the things I’ve seen in others relationships and experienced in my own this is one of the biggest causes I’ve seen of the breakups of relationships. A job, money, hobbies, addictions, or another person (family, friends, coworkers), anything that you let create a wedge in your relationship.

To add a little note here, I think this is how many affairs start. You meet someone and become close. Soon you find yourself confiding in that person about your relationship and before you know it that person is elevated above your “other” and begins to create a persona that is everything they are not (they may even begin putting them down in order to do so). The problem is it’s a facade that the two of you have created together. 

Money Isn’t Everything…But Talking About It Helps

I believe the reason so many relationships are struggling right now is because of the current state of the economy. The job market is terrible and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. The stress that this creates can really cause issues in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be honest about the situation and to discuss everything. Create a budget and a plan and stick to it. Make decisions together and both make any sacrifices necessary to achieve your goals. Remember, all of those couples you see celebrated 50+ years of marriage didn’t always have it easy either!

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth For A Reason

Communication in any relationship is key. Being able to talk about anything and everything. To share what’s going on inside with the other person without fear of judgment. Many relationships start like this but eventually lose it along the way. It’s key to find time to get away and really talk. And it’s important to allow the other person to say what’s on their mind without fear of judgment or overreaction. The more you do this, the more you’ll prevent anything from coming between you.

Practice Forgiveness and Actually Do It 

In any relationship there’s bound to come a time with one of you will need to forgive the other for something. It’s important that when you say you forgive someone that you actually do it. This means not saving it to use against them at a later time or using it for leverage. This means forgiving them and wiping the slate clean.

Always Keep Your Cool and Learn to Bite Your Tongue

In any relationship there is also going to be a time when you argue. The key to arguing is to argue without being vindictive. It’s okay to disagree but using the opportunity to get your little “digs” in is not fair and will be detrimental to the relationship. Even if there’s something you’ve been holding inside, an argument is not the time to let it out. It’s important to learn to bit your tongue and to remember that even though you disagree at that moment, the hope is that you’d soon reconcile and patch things up.

A Relationship Requires Two People to Be Successful

A relationship should never be one sided. It should be viewed as a partnership with each person playing their part. The moment one person’s wants or desires begin to reign supreme the relationship is in trouble. This also means that each person in the relationship should help carry the burdens of the relationship. From finances to taking care of the chores, it should be a team effort with both persons doing their share.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve overlooked or failed to mention here. The truth is there are a million things that go into making a relationship succeed. The unfortunate part is that sometimes it can only take one thing to make a relationship fail.

I once saw someone say on Facebook they wish they couldn’t fall in love so that then they couldn’t get hurt. This was my response:

“The key is not being able to not fall in love, it’s finding someone worth taking the chance on.” 

Cookie Cutter Christian

I think that probably the hardest thing for anyone to do is become comfortable and happy with who they are. Granted, I think everyone should be constantly trying to better themselves, however the catch comes in the what areas you choose to better and why.

Too often I think we aren’t happy with who we are because we’re spending so much time trying to conform ourselves into what others tell us we should be. We dress and act a certain way because that’s what’s expected of us, never quite really feeling like we fit in.

I think right now I can honestly say I’m finally happy with who I am. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life the past year. A lot of these have come about because of my wife and how she has helped me become comfortable in my own skin. She’s made me feel good about who I am, and made me want to continually better myself in the areas that I feel I am weak.

As I thought about this I came to the realization that our churches definitely don’t do a good job at helping people become comfortable with who they are in Christ. I went through this a lot working in churches. I would constantly try to fit in to the congregation where I worked. I’d adapt to their doctrine and other things which would help me be more like everyone else.

Oddly enough after I started working on this post someone talked to my pastor about my Facebook picture which shows my wife and I sticking our tongues out showing that they’re pierced. They were supportive of me, but said it didn’t look “professional” so I now have a “professional” Facebook page. In the meantime, someone else took it upon themselves to print said picture and leave a copy in the narthex.

This is the kind of petty stuff that made me not miss the ministry. Sad to say I felt more accepted working at Walmart than I ever did in a church. Having said this, is there any wonder why our churches are dwindling?

I still think that one day I do want to plant my own church called “Matthew’s House”. Our philosophy will be taken from Matthew 9:10-13 which says:

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

My only hope is that one day our churches do catch on. People like me are no longer the exception, we’re the norm. People with tattoos, piercings, blended families, who ride motorcycles, listen to rock music and have a history. This is why I believe where I am and where I come from makes me better at what I do. I’ve been there and I know what it’s like. I know how it feels to be judged, to be ridiculed, to be ostracized, to feel like you can’t be yourself.

If you’re feeling pressed to be a “cookie cutter Christian” just remember the quote I’ve used before in this blog “The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.” – Abigail Van Buren

Calling

A couple of weeks ago I had the chance to preach my first sermon in two years. Basically it was the first time since I lost my previous ministry position due to some personal mistakes and a divorce. After my divorce I had a lot of people, Christians mind you, tell me how much I’d messed up and that I’d never be able to pastor again.

I have to admit it was nice to get back up there after being gone so long. I wasn’t quite sure how it would go and I thought it went okay. I mean, I’ve done better but I’ve also done worse, so I’ll take it. The surprising thing for me was that many people in the congregation told me how well I did. I even had a few people ask if I thought about going back to being a pastor again and that I definitely could do it.

But I can honestly say, right now, that I don’t believe at this point I’m called to be a pastor. I really enjoy what I do and I believe that God has given me a vision for where I am right now. I can see God laying out a vision for my current ministry and I’m content with following His will for me right now.

I believe sometimes we believe we’re called where we are not. In my situation the natural progression was to continue to move from working with youth to becoming an assistant to becoming a pastor. This is a very common progression in church ministry mostly because a pastor is seen as holding more career prestige than other ministry positions.

What it comes down to is our calling is personal, it’s ours and no one else’s. We can listen to advice, we can try and better ourselves and our position, but ultimately only we’ll know where we’re called to be. 2 Peter 1:9-11 says “Therefore, my brothers and sisters,make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble”. It is important to confirm our call. I think we’ll know it when it comes to us. We’ll have the peace of God telling us this is where we’re supposed to be. I also think with that will come a vision and a passion for the ministry we’re in.

So, what are you feeling called to? Your calling doesn’t have to be in a church. God can use people wherever they may be. The important part is letting God use you and opening yourself up to His will. And if you don’t think you’re ready, just remember this quote: “God does not call the equipped, he equips the called.”

Contradiction

Last night I went with my girlfriend to a concert in Hershey, PA. The bands playing were Sevendust, Disturbed and Korn, all of which are heavy metal acts that put on pretty hardcore shows. It was funny that when I told people I was going I kept getting comments on how I “didn’t seem the type” to like their music. I get this a lot actually, with a lot of things in my recent past. Even the tattoo a couple months ago got the same reaction from a few people.

This got me thinking about how it is so easy to make judgments about people based upon what we see. Unfortunately this is how society works much of the time. We like to put people in neat, little boxes where we can define them by a label. I think the reason we do this is because it makes it easier for us to write a person off as not worth our time in order to avoid having to deal with any issues that might arise from getting to know them.

I now find myself in a similar place because of my divorce. I would love nothing more than to go back into ministry. However, I fear that once a church hears about my divorce that they will immediately judge me as unworthy of ministry and write me off. I fear that no one will ever give me a chance to go back to doing what I still feel I am called to do. The fact of the matter is I do believe I was good at what I did. My problem was I just lost sight of the “bigger picture” and I became selfish and made some poor personal choices.

I truly believe that I am different now. I am not the same man I was before everything happened. Honestly, I’m not the same man I was at this time last year. A lot has happened over the last two months that have helped open up my eyes and see things more clearly. For the first time in a long time I believe what the Bible says about redemption. I’ve slowly let go of my guilt, realizing that I do have a purpose in this life and that God can still use me despite my flaws.

Actually, I think my recent experiences can and will make me a better pastor or whatever role God chooses to use me in. I’ve served under too many pastors who would stand in the pulpit and point their fingers at the congregation. Pastors who made everyone else feel like they could never measure up to them as if they themselves were as perfect as Christ himself. The truth is none of us are worthy to stand behind a pulpit. None of us are worthy to preach or sing or teach or do anything that honors God. Each and every one of us is sinful. Each and everyone one of us has messed up and fallen down at some point in our lives.

Romans 3:22-24 tells us that “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

At the end of the day we are all the same. Regardless of the color of our skin, the clothes on our backs, the cars we drive, the house we live in, the job we do or the amount of money we have in the bank, we are all the same. We all have hopes and dreams. We all have doubts and fears. We all have mistakes and failures. Sin is sin and there are no sins from which we cannot be redeemed. As long as we believe and put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ, we can start over and begin anew.

I still do believe that God has a plan for me. I still believe that God can use me to help others. I think that through my experiences I can help people who are dealing with similar issues. I think that I make a much more believable witness than someone who has never experienced life and what it’s like to struggle, to fall down and then try and get back up. I just need to find a church who will look beyond my past, see me for who I am and give me a chance. Give me a chance to do what I believe I am capable of.

It’s easy to judge a book by it’s cover. However, in doing so you could easily miss out on what you might find within its pages.