Choices

It’s been awhile since I sat down to do this. I keep meaning to but never found the time. I decided today that maybe instead of waiting until I have some long post to write I’d just write the things that are on my mind at the moment and how it relates to my faith journey. So…here it goes.

Today I began working again at cleaning out my garage. There are boxes there from when I packed up my office and apartment during the divorce some five odd years ago. Included in the boxes we things that belonged to my girls such as toys, stuffed animals, books and such. As I was going through the boxes I began to realize bow much my choices at the time affected everyone around me. My family, friends, churches…everyone.

I think this holds true for all of us. The choices we make do affect everyone in our circle of influence. The lessons parents teach their kids or the future they provide for them. Everyone you come in contact with, even strangers can be affected by your choices (ever had your day thrown off by a rude cashier or aggressive driver ?)

So what happens when we make good choices? Spending extra time with your kids. A nice tip for that server. A friendly smile to that stranger in line. Letting someone merge in front of you in traffic. Just as our poor choices can negatively affect others our, positive choices can make all the difference too.

Galatians 6:7-10 says: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

If you don’t like where your life is it’s up to you to change it, not sit idly by and blame everyone from God to your parents to the government. And it’s important to remember that your choices, both good and bad can affect everyone you come into contact with, even only once.

One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes… and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Coping Skills

Life is definitely hectic these days. I’m working full-time as a clinical supervisor at a juvenile detention center and part-time as the director of family ministries at a church (can you say polar opposites?). This of course is not including spending time with family and doing things at home (it feels like I’m always replacing something on my car). In a way I think it’s good to be busy, you know idle hands and all that. However, even in the midst of the busyness life can sometimes feel…empty.

I’ve recently been experiencing just such a phenomenon. This isn’t to say I’m not happy. I mean of course like anyone else there’s always some things I’d like to change about myself and my situation. I personally believe we should always be growing and changing, moving forward and challenging ourselves. No one wants to find themselves stagnant, but I’m talking about something else.

I wasn’t quite able to put my finger on what I was feeling. Was it boredom or loneliness? Was it emptiness or depression? I started thinking about it and trying to figure out what it was. Then one day while teaching Sunday school it hit me.

At the juvenile detention center where I work we always encourage our youth to use what we call “coping skills”. Basically these are things that help them deal with the negative feelings and frustrations they have from being locked up. Things like exercise, reading, praying, studying, talking, writing, etc. Basically ways to appropriately externalize what they’re feeling on the inside. We encourage them to do these things in order to prevent them from allowing inappropriate externalizations of their feelings (i.e. acting out in anger through hitting someone).

What I realized that day in Sunday school was that I wasn’t using my coping skills. As a Christian, many of my coping skills are spiritual in nature. Writing this blog, singing/writing worship songs, listening to sermons, listening to Christian music, praying, reading my Bible, etc. I think I’d even include spending time with my family and with my wife as spiritual as well, simply because of the importance of family in the Bible. So you don’t think I’m overly pious, I do have non-spiritual coping skills as well, such as playing video games, watching movies and playing sports.

As for my acting out behaviors? I’m not going to hit anyone or even yell and scream. I’d have to say my acting out behaviors are things that lead me away from where God wants me to be. They often create thoughts or actions which often create problems in my life and hurt the people I love the most in this world. What happens is when I’m not doing the things I need to do to bring me closer to God, then I’m more prone to do things that lead me away from God instead. See the dilemma?

Romans 7:15, 17-18 says: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. …As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

Each of us has this battle inside of us. The battle between doing what we know is right and between doing what we want. Between using our “coping skills” to appropriately externalize that war within or allowing that war to spill out unfiltered into what we do.

What are your coping skills? Christian or not, do you have appropriate coping skills that help keep you grounded and focused? Or do you often look back in regret at your behaviors, the things you’ve done and the choices you’ve made because you lack them?

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.” – “All At Once” by The Fray

Peer Pressure

In case you missed it, this past week Karen Klein, a school bus monitor in New York was verbally abused by a group of students while riding aboard the school bus. A video of the act has appeared on Youtube and has sparked outrage. The youth and their families have received death threats and over half a million dollars has been donated to a fund created to help Klein take a vacation. The students have apologized and Klein has said she doesn’t want the students punished (although with the publicity surrounding it this is highly unlikely). When asked about why they did it, some of the students have cited peer pressure and going along with the others.

What saddens me about this case is that this is unfortunately becoming the norm. People are caving in to peer pressure instead of standing up for what is right (the case of Jerry Sandusky who was just found guilty today is another glaring instance where people didn’t step up and do enough).

The truth of the matter is that too often people are giving in and not doing what is right. I will be the first to admit that there have been times in my life that I’ve let others influence me and the decisions I’ve made. The problem is, it’s hard to come back from some decisions once they’ve been made. And while you can blame peer pressure, temptation or weakness, the truth of the matter is the decision is still yours to make and no one can force you to do anything you’re not at least a little willing to do.

I came across this link to Scriptures that talk about peer pressure but wanted to share one with you here. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

Everyone has moments of weakness, but we are ultimately in control of our own choices. We can choose to do the right thing or go along with what we know to be wrong. The choice is ours.

Punishment

It amazes me how many people still hold to the view that God is sitting up in heaven just waiting to punish us when we mess up. As if every mistake we make is revisited and held against us by God as our eternal judgment. And that that no matter how sorry or remorseful we are that God still holds it against us. The fact of the matter is, it’s not really God that punishes us, but the outcomes and ourselves.

Gary Ryan Blair writes that, “Every choice carries a consequence. For better or worse, each choice is the unavoidable consequence of its predecessor. There are not exceptions. If you can accept that a bad choice carries the seed of its own punishment, why not accept the fact that a good choice yields desirable fruit?”

It’s our choices and our mistakes that punish us, not God. I know a lot of people, myself included, that let their past torment them. They are so haunted by what they’ve done that they begin to view themselves in light of the choices they’ve made instead of seeing themselves for who they now are. They have punished and are punishing themselves more than God or anyone else ever could.

Psalm 103:12 says, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Until we truly start to understand this, we will never be able to let go. Once we’ve confessed our sins and sought God’s forgiveness, they’re gone. God will never use them against us. People will try to use our mistakes against us, and we will too. But if we truly believe we’re forgiven, then we need to understand that there’s nothing anyone else can say or do that will change this.

As for people, if someone truly loves us, they will not hold our past against us either. One of the  characteristics of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is that love “keeps no record of wrongs”. If someone loves us then they will forgive us too. They won’t hold our mistakes over our heads or use it for ammunition in an argument.

The hardest part in all of this is to forgive ourselves and let go. To begin viewing ourselves in the present instead of the past. To not let it haunt us to the point that we allow ourselves to be punished by others. To realize that we deserve more and to not settle for anything less.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16