Discount Chocolate

Today is the day after Valentine’s Day and for many, it’s the real holiday. It’s the day that all of the unsold Valentine’s Day chocolate gets discounted. It’s the day that all of those heart-shaped candies make their way into mouths of chocolate lovers everywhere. This year I was quite the curmudgeon when it came to Valentine’s Day.  I just wasn’t feeling it, especially on Facebook. The sappy couples posts. The jokes about love. The inspiration quotes about true love. The jokes about singleness. The inspirational quotes about being happy with yourself. The cheesy Jesus posts (which I may or may not have participated in). I’m not quite sure why we get so excited about this holiday other than it seems like some enjoy it because it forces their significant other to put in some effort and show some sort of affection towards their relationship. See…curmudgeon.

As I was thinking about the day while sitting in my cave up in the mountains overlooking Whoville…oh wait, that’s Christmas. Anyway, as I was sitting in my office thinking about the holiday, I couldn’t help but struggle with how we fall for it. Do we really need flowers, chocolates, lingerie and cards to feel loved? And, do we really need to post our relationship on Facebook for everyone to know it?  Now maybe I’m this way because a lot has changed for me personally since last Valentine’s Day. Then again, maybe I just see things differently because of everything that has transpired.

Wednesday night I showed the Rob Bell Nooma video “Flame” to my small group. I know I’ve previously posted here about the different words in Greek for love. In the Nooma video, Bell talks about the three types of love found in the Hebrew and quotes a lot of those really uncomfortable passages from Song of Songs (please don’t ever use them for a pickup line).

Bell talks about raya love which means, friend or companion, ahava love, which refers to an emotion that leads to a commitment and dod love which refers to the sexual, physical element of love. Bell goes on to talk about how all three are supposed to be present in a relationship in order for the fire to burn brightly and to keep the flames from going out. He discusses how affairs are often based on dod love which burns brightly at first but flames out, the same could be said of the others as well.

The biggest thing about love is that it takes effort…a lot of effort. It also changes with time which many people struggle to deal with and which is why we see so many relationships crumbling. It’s the world we live in. Our society has become disposable. We upgrade as soon as we can. We replace broken things. So why wouldn’t this transfer to our relationships too?

Many of us have heard 1 Corinthians 13 recited at weddings. Verses 4-8a tells us this about love:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

Life is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Love is difficult. Sometimes you have to walk away. Sometimes you have to give up. But let us not give up so easily and let us trust God to tell us when it’s time to go. One of my favorite quotes comes from Pastor Andy Stanley who says: “When you don’t know what to say or do, ask what love requires of you.”

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.             – 1 Corinthians 13:13.

Relationships

The other night while sitting around a table at work I had a coworker tell me he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend and asked me if I had any advice. I find this quite funny and ironic given my relationship track record. However, after having him ask me this question I’ve been spending a few days trying to think about what relationship advice I would give to others.

Relationships are definitely difficult at times. Recently my Facebook profile has been overcome with people complaining about the state of their current relationships (some of them VERY inappropriately). I’ve also had the opportunity over the past few days to talk with friends and former coworkers who are dealing with issues as well. So, in light of this, here is my advice to my coworker:

Be Able to Answer Them When They Ask “Why Do You Love Me”?

I think many times we enter into relationships for all the wrong reasons and we’re quick to fall in love. And as time goes on we begin to feel that love fade and forget the reasons we entered into the relationship in the first place. The little annoyances that weren’t that big a deal or were unknown to us in the beginning can begin to eat away at us and soon replace the things that attracted us (sometimes they can be one in the same). By stopping to remember why you love the person, you’re going back to the beginning of the relationship and reminding yourself of how things were in the beginning. And by reminding them of the things you appreciate about them, you’re not only reinforcing their self-esteem, you’re encouraging them to do those things.

Always Say I Love You…Kisses, Hugs and Gestures Are Good Too

It’s easy to just assume the other person knows that you love them. But there’s still something to hearing the other person say it. And nothing is better than having the other person show it too. A kiss or an embrace. Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around them. Surprise notes, cards, flowers or gifts, anything you can do that shows the person you still care and that they’re worth the effort.

Never Let Anyone or Anything Come Between You

Of all the things I’ve seen in others relationships and experienced in my own this is one of the biggest causes I’ve seen of the breakups of relationships. A job, money, hobbies, addictions, or another person (family, friends, coworkers), anything that you let create a wedge in your relationship.

To add a little note here, I think this is how many affairs start. You meet someone and become close. Soon you find yourself confiding in that person about your relationship and before you know it that person is elevated above your “other” and begins to create a persona that is everything they are not (they may even begin putting them down in order to do so). The problem is it’s a facade that the two of you have created together. 

Money Isn’t Everything…But Talking About It Helps

I believe the reason so many relationships are struggling right now is because of the current state of the economy. The job market is terrible and the cost of living is getting higher and higher. The stress that this creates can really cause issues in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be honest about the situation and to discuss everything. Create a budget and a plan and stick to it. Make decisions together and both make any sacrifices necessary to achieve your goals. Remember, all of those couples you see celebrated 50+ years of marriage didn’t always have it easy either!

You Have Two Ears and One Mouth For A Reason

Communication in any relationship is key. Being able to talk about anything and everything. To share what’s going on inside with the other person without fear of judgment. Many relationships start like this but eventually lose it along the way. It’s key to find time to get away and really talk. And it’s important to allow the other person to say what’s on their mind without fear of judgment or overreaction. The more you do this, the more you’ll prevent anything from coming between you.

Practice Forgiveness and Actually Do It 

In any relationship there’s bound to come a time with one of you will need to forgive the other for something. It’s important that when you say you forgive someone that you actually do it. This means not saving it to use against them at a later time or using it for leverage. This means forgiving them and wiping the slate clean.

Always Keep Your Cool and Learn to Bite Your Tongue

In any relationship there is also going to be a time when you argue. The key to arguing is to argue without being vindictive. It’s okay to disagree but using the opportunity to get your little “digs” in is not fair and will be detrimental to the relationship. Even if there’s something you’ve been holding inside, an argument is not the time to let it out. It’s important to learn to bit your tongue and to remember that even though you disagree at that moment, the hope is that you’d soon reconcile and patch things up.

A Relationship Requires Two People to Be Successful

A relationship should never be one sided. It should be viewed as a partnership with each person playing their part. The moment one person’s wants or desires begin to reign supreme the relationship is in trouble. This also means that each person in the relationship should help carry the burdens of the relationship. From finances to taking care of the chores, it should be a team effort with both persons doing their share.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…

…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve overlooked or failed to mention here. The truth is there are a million things that go into making a relationship succeed. The unfortunate part is that sometimes it can only take one thing to make a relationship fail.

I once saw someone say on Facebook they wish they couldn’t fall in love so that then they couldn’t get hurt. This was my response:

“The key is not being able to not fall in love, it’s finding someone worth taking the chance on.” 

True Love

With February rapidly approaching the thoughts of many are turning towards Valentine’s Day so I thought I’d share a few Valentine’s Day statistics with you:

-85% of all Valentine cards are bought by women.

-73% of flowers are bought by men, and only 27% are by women.

-Chocolate and candy sales reach profits of $1,011 billion during Valentines.

-Approximately one in four Americans do not celebrate the holiday at all. In addition, 15% of American women (and even men) send flowers to themselves on Valentine’s Day.

Hopefully you’re not one of the 15% who sent flowers to yourself, but from what I can tell people have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. It’s a holiday built around love, which is probably one of the most wonderful, confusing, frustrating and rewarding feelings we experience as human beings. We use the word a love great deal in a variety of ways. Some of us use it quite frequently, while others use it hardly at all.

If we look to the Bible we’ll easily see why love is so confusing to us. In the Greek there are four words to describe what we often use one word for in the English language: agápe, éros, philia and storge.

Philia is a word from the modern Greek language that simply means “friendship”. It’s the word that we’d most commonly use when we tell our friends that we love them, although a couple of other forms could be used in certain circumstances. It’s probably the most freely used as we tell someone we appreciate we love them even though the feelings are strictly platonic.

Éros, on the other hand, is the word we’d most often hear young lovers tell one another. It means “passionate love, with sensual desire and longing”. It’s the kind of love that is built more on sexual desire than what we’d consider love. It’s also the kind of love that fades the fastest once the newness of a relationship is over or the desire fades.

Storge is from both the modern and ancient Greek and means “affection”. This would probably be the form of love we would use to describe how we feel about a relative or close friend. Most likely this type of love would conjure up sentimental feelings for the other person say like for even a teacher or coach who was influential in a person’s life.

The finale form of love is agápe. This type of love is what we would consider to be “true love”. It’s love without condition freely given without expecting anything in return.

Is there any wonder why we’re so confused about the concept of love?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 describes what agápe love is supposed to be about:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This kind of love is the kind of love that you see glamorized in fairy tales and movies. However, in reality it can often feel like it doesn’t truly exist. The truth of the matter is that while it is rare, it does indeed exist. The problem is we often confuse ourselves with the other types of love or we too quickly settle for less than this type of love.

If you”re not currently in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, how about finding ways to express your love and appreciation for the other people in your life? Try and find ways to let them know how much they mean to you and much you care for them. Just remember, it’s okay to tell God you love Him too!